Sasstooth – Sarcastic Dachshund Wall Calendar
Encrypted checkout — your card details never reach our servers.
- In stock, ready to ship
Twelve Months Of Sausage Dog Chaos
Some calendars just tell you the date.
This one has opinions.
Flip to January and the dachshund is already complaining about the weather.
February? He's judging your breakfast.
Every month pairs a new scene with a line straight from the dog's own mouth — dry, a little rude, and exactly what she'd say if she could talk.
Hang it by the fridge and you'll catch yourself reading it out loud.
Twelve scenes, twelve remarks — no month repeats a joke
✓ Twelve Months, Zero Repeats
No repeats, no filler. Twelve original scenes, each paired with a caption that actually lands.
✓ The dog talks back
Every line is written like the dachshund said it herself — sarcastic, dry, and a little too honest.
✓ Still a real calendar
Open-grid layout with room to jot down plans, so the humor never gets in the way of function.
✓ Looks like it belongs there
Straight out of the envelope and onto the wall — no assembly, no extra parts.
✓ Built for a full year on your wall
Sturdy printed pages that hold up month after month without curling or fading.
What you get today
- Sasstooth 12-month wall calendar
- A new illustrated scene and sarcastic caption for every month
- Open-grid layout with room to note the week
- Ready to hang out of the envelope — no assembly
- Free tracked shipping
- 30-day money-back guarantee
Calendars are printed once per year. When the run is gone, it's gone until next season.
Bring Sasstooth to your wall today
Try Sasstooth at home for 30 days. If it doesn't look right on your wall or wear the way you expected, return it for a full refund.
Frequently asked questions
Is the humor actually funny, or is it corny?
Each month pairs a scene with a caption written from the dog's point of view, so you can see the tone for yourself before it ever reaches your wall.
Does it come pre-punched for hanging?
Yes, it's ready to hang straight out of the envelope with no assembly needed.
Is there space to write in appointments or notes?
Yes, the open-grid layout leaves room to jot down plans for each day.
How long does shipping take?
All orders ship free with tracking so you can follow your calendar's progress to your door.
Use the fit finder next to the size selector for a recommendation in a few seconds, or see the full measurement charts below.
Every product page has a fit finder next to the size selector — three questions, one recommendation, a few seconds. These charts are for anyone who would rather read the numbers.
How to measure
- Bust / chest. Around the fullest part, tape level, arms relaxed at your sides.
- Waist. Around the narrowest part of your torso, usually just above the navel.
- Hips. Around the fullest part, roughly 8 in below the waist.
- Inseam. From the crotch seam to the floor, in the shoes you'll wear the trousers with.
Measure over the underwear you'd normally wear, not over clothing. Keep the tape snug but not tight.
Women's clothing
| Size | US | Bust (in) | Waist (in) | Hips (in) |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| XXS | 0–2 | 31–32 | 24–25 | 34–35 |
| XS | 2–4 | 33–34 | 26–27 | 36–37 |
| S | 4–6 | 35–36 | 28–29 | 38–39 |
| M | 8–10 | 37–38½ | 30–31½ | 40–41½ |
| L | 12–14 | 39½–41 | 32½–34 | 42½–44 |
| XL | 16–18 | 42–44 | 35–37 | 45–47 |
| XXL | 20–22 | 45–47 | 38–40 | 48–50 |
Men's clothing
| Size | Chest (in) | Waist (in) | Neck (in) |
|---|---|---|---|
| XS | 33–35 | 27–29 | 14–14½ |
| S | 36–38 | 30–32 | 15–15½ |
| M | 39–41 | 33–35 | 15½–16 |
| L | 42–44 | 36–38 | 16½–17 |
| XL | 45–47 | 39–41 | 17½–18 |
| XXL | 48–50 | 42–44 | 18½–19 |
Women's shoes
| US | EU | UK | Foot length (in) |
|---|---|---|---|
| 5 | 35 | 2½ | 8⅝ |
| 6 | 36 | 3½ | 8⅞ |
| 7 | 37–38 | 4½ | 9¼ |
| 8 | 38–39 | 5½ | 9½ |
| 9 | 39–40 | 6½ | 9⅞ |
| 10 | 41 | 7½ | 10¼ |
| 11 | 42 | 8½ | 10½ |
Men's shoes
| US | EU | UK | Foot length (in) |
|---|---|---|---|
| 7 | 40 | 6 | 9⅝ |
| 8 | 41 | 7 | 9⅞ |
| 9 | 42 | 8 | 10¼ |
| 10 | 43 | 9 | 10⅝ |
| 11 | 44 | 10 | 10⅞ |
| 12 | 45 | 11 | 11¼ |
| 13 | 46 | 12 | 11½ |
How our pieces are cut
- Dresses are cut true to size. If you are between sizes, take the smaller one — most of our dresses have ease through the waist.
- Coats and jackets are cut with room for a knit underneath. Take your usual size; size up only if you layer heavily.
- Knitwear is relaxed by design. Between sizes, take the smaller one unless you want an oversized look.
- Trousers and jeans run true to size. Between sizes, take the larger one.
- Shoes run true to size. If you have a wide foot, take half a size up.
Still not sure?
Write to info@halstead.com with your usual size, your height and the piece you're looking at. We'll tell you what we would pick — usually within a few hours. We would far rather get it right the first time than process a return.
We work in natural fibres — wool, cashmere, cotton, linen and full-grain leather.
Knitwear: cold hand wash or a wool cycle at 30 °C, no softener, dried flat and stored folded.
Coats: dry clean once or twice a season, stored on a broad wooden hanger.
Leather: wipe with a damp cloth, condition twice a year, never dry near heat.
Full guidance is on our Materials & Care page.
Shipping is free on every order to all 50 states, with no minimum.
Processing: 2–4 business days, while your order is picked and checked by hand.
Transit: 3–4 business days.
Total: 6–9 business days, with tracking emailed the moment it leaves Chesapeake.
Returns: 90 days from delivery. We email you a printable label; return shipping is deducted from the refund unless the fault is ours, and your first exchange is always free.